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Posted by Philip Patston on 10 January 2009, 2:49 am in

1st love

We met across a crowded room

We didn't know what hit us

But what was sure, without a doubt

Was that the same mosquito bit us

He was tall, blue-eyed with sun-bleached hair

Until I looked again

He was short and plain with a wooden leg

But kind of cute, all the same

My mosquito bite began to itch

I had to stop and scratch it

And as I did his leg fell off

And he had to bend to re-latch it

Well that did it, I was over there

In a flash - no - it took half an hour

To get through the crowd in my wheelchair

Without spilling my glass of Black Tower

When I finally reached the other side

Of the room I was sure he'd be gone

But he wasn't at all, he was standing there waiting

With his leg unmistakably on

I couldn't help noticing," - I said with a smile

As I gave the straw in my wine some suction -

"How balanced you were when you picked up your leg.

"What a line, I thought, what seduction

"You're far too kind," he said with a snort

Of a laugh that was strangely endearing

"I was going to say as you came through the room

How impressed I was with your steering."

I blushed like mad as he continued to tell me

He liked a man with direction.

By this time I was hooked, I was so entranced

I could hardly hide my ... delight

He was standing there with me in my chair

I had drunken almost too much

It was odd, sitting there with my head at his hips

And I couldn't help glancing at his crotch

So there we were these two travelling souls

Whose paths just happened to have crossed

At some dull and boring party for a mutual friend

Of a friend. So I said, "Let's get lost."

Which we did. Off we went. We were out of there

We went to a café, then a bar

And we sat and we talked until I can't remember when

Not to mention, where we'd parked the car

So that's how we met for the very first time

He rang me the very next day

We went out to dinner every night that week

He was rich so I made him pay

The first time we bonked was a Saturday night

It was raining, I remember it well

It may not have been perfect, and the earth didn't move

But that leg was undoubtedly swell

Well, we continued to date for a couple of months

And the bonking was pleasant enough

But just like the yanks in the America's Cup

Our sail didn't have quite enough puff

So we started to gradually see less of each other

Eventually I gave him the shove

And if you believe this then you'd believe anything

Except perhaps, the story of my true first love...

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